Hiding in the brook after Mt. Carmel experience
Two days ago I had such a great day. God really gave me some things from His word, I was actually able to be thankful for this trial. I felt so elated I told a friend it was as if I could feel Him carrying me through the day. I was filled with hope and felt ready to tackle any obstacle that came my way.
Well the next day I awoke to a totally different feel. My quiet time was distracted and I just felt discouraged. As the day progressed the part of our situation that is visible to me, seemed to have worsen. The fiery darts of satan seemed to be being thrown at a more intense rate. Rather than assess what I was feeling and recognize that satan was trying to destroy the work God had done in me the day before, I gave in. My spirit was willing but my flesh was weak. The negative thoughts and doubts were a constant assault, and I was battle weary. I gave up the rigorous fight and was weak and feeble in my attempts to battle. I allowed what i was seeing along with my emotions take over, to the point that I ‘forgot’, ‘ignored’ the lessons God had given me the day before.
So why do I write about all this? For a couple reasons. For my benefit, like a journal so that i can look back and see how God worked through the journey. One day i will unfortunately be able to use these lessons to comfort and encourage another who is going through it. Being able to read my journals, especially my more private ones, helps me to not forget the intensity of the feelings, the hurt, the things felt and struggled with and how God got me through and how He was faithful through His word. It may not seem it now, but i know one day, this will be a memory, the wounds wont be fresh, and the hurt will have faded away.
Also I write because we often hear people share about a tough time in their life, and they are sharing from the other side of it. So they summarize, and share lessons learned but the process of going through it is usually left out. At least not shared in detail, and the things shared sound so simple, like follow these steps, do this and you will get through. I want to remember and for people to know that it isnt easy. It is an up and down battle. It is a process that is a long, grueling, and painful one. It also takes time to get to where you need to be andn then lots of work to stay there. You dont always make it , you fall and He picks you up and you start fresh. It takes practicing the things you know are true cause it is Gods word, but through faith you have to overcome fears, doubts, ….
That is where I found myself yesterday. Tired, doubting, and ‘forgetting’ what He had so gloriously shown me the day before. I wish i could say that I am a rock of a woman and I learn a lesson and from then on, I am on it. The reality is Im not. I am weak, I struggle. I may know the truth, but there are times it is hard to live it out. Never in my life has it been this hard! But we wrestle with these things, clinging to God and His word and we come through them overcomers because He overcame for us.
So today I am in recovery mode. I realized that satans attacks were more intensified because he was trying to destroy the work God had done, which was a great work!!!, the day before. Rather than assessing what i was feeling and recognize that satan had stepped up his game, I was weary and gave the thoughts a place. I didnt fight them with prayer or praise. I lay wounded and allowed pain to swallow me up and fiery darts of satan to tear holes in me.
so this morning, as i read and prayed, begging God to speak to my heart and redeem what i had lost yesterday, He was yet again faithful. I read Psalm 109 and i think the psalmist wrote what he thought i was feeling, and he was right on.
in vs 21-24 he spoke of God delivering him because His mercy is good, I am poor and needy, my heart is wounded within me, my flesh is feeble, …all that describes me.
then in vs 30 he says he will praise the Lord, greatly praise him with his mouth…..
God confirmed for me that that was my error, not praising Him. This psalmist felt the same as i did, and i am sure he was very tired, but he chose to praise.
as i have also been reading in 1 Peter and today i was on chp 5. it spoke of how the devil walks about like a roaring lion seeking to devour. that we are to be sober, viligant, and resist and be steadfast in the faith. None of those things did i do yesterday. Rather like the song blessings says we doubt His goodness and love, and get mad at God and dont think the promises in His word is enough. in vs 10 it says but may the God of all grace who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.
so the suffering is for a while. I know that to God a while could be 40 yrs….but there is an end some day. It is only while we are in it that it seems forever. But there is a reward, and it is the work He is doing in me. Do I want it? YES! Do i want to have it without all this pain and suffering? YES YES 
but that isnt the way its gonna happen.
so today i stand to confess I failed. I could try to sugar coat things, cause certainly I would love to have others think so highly of me. But I am more the type that likes to be real. You can see my flaws, (they are apparent andi cant hide them) it would be too much work to try to be something i am not anyway. Im a horrible liar. And the big thing for me is, that all my christian life i have sought to learn from others, and how they live it out, what they do when they struggle, and just simple life things like homemaking, schooling, prayer. ….just trying to learn and grow. Learning from others who are older, wiser, more experienced adn whose life is a testimony of Gods grace and goodness….well that is wise. but what i have found is that very few people were ever willing to share , to be transparent, to go into those kinds of details.
I want for God to use where He has allowed me to be, not only to grow me and change me, but to help others as well. It helps to know it is not all easy, and that those we put on pedestals (we shouldnt!) but they are just human as we all are and no one has all the answers, and so much of our struggles are about seeking God for the answers. They arent all black and white in His word, and we have to be led by Him. The way He leads one person through a trial is not going to be the same way He leads another. We are all at different places and all have different things He want to do in us and through us.
So again i confess i failed to hang on to the truth that God had given me. I was weak and tempted to give up. I was like Elijah after his moment on Mt. Carmel, he ran to the brook and hid from Jezebel. But God is faithful and I am thankful to Him for His love, patience and wonderful friends He gives to walk with us through the valley.
Please continue to pray for my family. You dont have to know specifics, God knows. but prayers are greatly needed.
walking in faith
koen
